Woman Asks If She Is Wrong For Saying “I Told You So” To Husband After Paternity Test
A woman on Reddit told her story about the drama surrounding a paternity test, seeking guidance on whether she was in the right or not. Now, this wasn't a dramatic Maury Povich paternity test - it was literally done at her husband's insistence.
Who was right, and who was wrong? Fortunately, we have the judge and jury of Reddit to weigh in on the whole fiasco. Just wait until the paternity test results roll in...
"Am I the jerk for telling my husband 'I told you so' when we got the paternity test results?"
This is the way the post begins, and you can already tell it's going to be a spicy one before even getting into the specifics of the story. For background, OP and her husband have been married for two years, and recently had a baby together.
The drama started up as soon as OP's hubby saw their daughter for the first time. Rather than rejoicing in the miracle of childbirth, he immediately became suspicious that his wife had cheated on him, and that the baby wasn't his.
Pregnancy can be a stressful time.
Any parent will tell you that there can be some intense doubt in the time before a baby is born - especially if it's the couple's first baby. It represents a bold step into the unknown, and it's only natural to wonder if you'll be able to measure up as a parent.
This could all be shrugged off as "baby jitters" - the kind of stuff that doesn't matter in the long run. But when the baby was born, the drama truly started.
The baby didn't look like either of them.
"What happened was that our daughter came out with blonde hair and pale blue eyes, while my husband and I have brown hair and brown eyes," wrote OP. If you're a geneticist, and even if you're not, you already know that this is quite normal.
OP tried to explain this to her husband, saying that not only is this normal, but also that the hair and eye color that babies are born with can change over time.
"My husband freaked out at this and refused to listen to my explanation."
He doubled down by insisting on a paternity test. Then, he tripled down by abandoning his wife and newborn baby to stay at his parents' house for three weeks to get some space, all because he was absolutely certain that his wife had been cheating on him.
As OP recovered at home, she got a nasty call from her mother-in-law to inform her that if it turned out that she'd been unfaithful, she would be "taken to the cleaners" during the divorce.
It's a tough position for a new mom.
Every family unit has its unique challenges. Plenty of parents find themselves raising a kid with no partner and no support system right from the get-go. But this situation is on another level, as OP was expecting support - and then found her coping on her own.
It's one thing to know you'll be the sole parent going into a pregnancy. It's quite another issue to be expecting your partner to pull their weight, only to have them pull a disappearing act when you need them most.
Fortunately, OP had a support system.
It's hard not to be concerned for a new mom whose husband essentially rage-quit the marriage and abandoned their newborn. But OP kept a level head, and called on her sister to support her during this difficult time.
As requested, OP went out and got a paternity test. She knew all along that it wouldn't reveal any kind of infidelity, and must have been looking forward to sharing the results with her petulant husband and his mean mom.
Surprise, surprise: the baby was his.
"[The test] showed that he was the father, and my husband had this shocked, kinda mortified look on his face with his eyes wide as he stared at it," wrote OP. The next part is really the only part where OP could conceivably be in the wrong.
"I couldn't help but say, 'I told you so,' and started laughing," she wrote. "My husband snapped out of his shock and got mad at me. We argued for a bit, which was mainly him yelling at me."
"I told you so" can be so satisfying.
It feels better to say "I told you so" to someone with whom you're not emotionally involved, because you can essentially tell them to kiss off and know that you won't have to deal with them again.
In this case, OP is telling off somebody she's built a life with, so it's a little bit different. But after going through this period of intense stress and - let's call it for what it is - emotional abuse, it's safe to say that she deserves this win.
Anyone would take that W.
Should OP have accepted the genetics test with more grace, or a little more compassion towards her husband? Should she have shown him some consideration during a difficult time? Looking to Reddit, the answer is a resounding "Heck no."
"What in the KENTUCKY FRIED AUDACITY?" asked one astounded commenter on the thread. "This [jerk] accused you of cheating, then has the GALL to be offended when you slap him with a big, fat 'I told you so'?"
OP's sister told her hubby to shut up.
To his (minimal credit), he did indeed shut up. Then he left the house once more to go back to his parents' house to "clear his head." OP's mother-in-law then called her up a few hours later to chastise her for laughing.
"She also left a couple of nasty texts essentially saying the same thing this morning," she wrote. "I don't think I'm the [jerk], but I'd like an outside perspective on this." It's safe to say that there's a lot to unpack here.
Has her hubby ever heard of recessive genes?
Plenty of comments (there are a whopping 28,000 comments altogether on the thread) point out that plenty of babies are born with different eye and hair colors from their parents, and that this can easily be explained by the biological concept of recessive genes.
There's also the fact, as pointed out earlier by OP, that babies can look dramatically different from the person they'll grow up to become - this includes stuff like the shade and color of their eyes.
First-time parenting is hard.
We shouldn't overlook the fact that both OP and her husband are doing this whole parenting thing for the first time, and there's really no way to understand what the experience is like until you're experiencing it.
With some wisdom, or parenting experience, maybe her husband would realize that babies don't always look like a carbon copy of their parents. But that's assuming his problem is just a misunderstanding of how biology works, and not a deeper emotional issue.
Can we talk about abandonment?
In a committed relationship, partners are supposed to support each other, especially during the ordeal of pregnancy, childbirth, and raising kids. OP and her husband had their first kid, and he went on to abandon them based on an assumption.
"Not only does he not have a basic grasp of genetics, he threw a tantrum and left you immediately after leaving you and the baby to struggle alone for almost a month," wrote one commenter. "He's lucky all you did was laugh in his face."
Could it be projection?
Infidelity is absolutely a thing that happens, but there's absolutely no indication that OP's hubby had any reason to suspect that she was cheating. So what's his deal? Weren't they trying to have a baby together, and didn't they succeed?
Some commenters raise the possibility that he's projecting his own infidelity onto OP. In other words, he's cheated before, or has wanted to cheat before, and is now transferring that guilt onto his wife and trying to make it hers.
Why did he immediately become suspicious?
OP was able to prove that the baby was genetically theirs - in other words, the baby was equal parts mom and dad, and was not the result of an extramarital affair. Still, the possibility of projection is interesting.
If you've ever done something bad - like cheat on your partner - you're probably familiar with the level of guilt that comes with it. Sometimes, the emotional response to this guilt can in fact be projection. It can be easier to transfer that guilt onto somebody else than to feel it yourself.
An apology might be in order.
"He should be crawling on his knees begging her for forgiveness for how ridiculously he acted while she was learning to take care of their child," wrote one Redditor. "Instead, he ran to mommy to whine that she laughed at him for being an idiot."
It's honestly hard not to infantilize this manchild. It's common to have insecurities, but most of us develop the wisdom to keep them in check. Instead, this guy just decided that his wife was cheating on him with zero evidence.
It might be past the point of a simple apology.
A sincere apology can do a lot of heavy lifting when it comes to fixing a frayed relationship. But usually this applies to something that, well, can actually be fixed - missing an anniversary, or overreacting, things of that nature.
In this case, an apology probably wouldn't be enough ("Sorry I accused you of cheating and also abandoned you and our infant child"). Furthermore, this is all just a hypothetical, as this guy doesn't seem to be capable of apologizing.
Have you ever needed to clear your head?
Let's try a thought exercise in which we try to have empathy for this jealous husband. Sometimes, the best course of action is to take a timeout during times of drama - whether it's going for a walk, or even staying somewhere else for awhile.
It isn't an uncommon thing to see in relationships, but this guy left for three whole weeks immediately after his daughter was born, and then left once again when he was revealed to be an idiot.
Is it divorce time?
On one hand, getting a divorce immediately after the birth of a child is a tough pill to swallow. On the other, it's times of extreme stress like these that can push a relationship past its breaking point.
"I'm not one to normally jump to divorce, but this is a divorce-worthy offense," wrote one commenter. "He's being emotionally and verbally abusive and allowing his mom to do the same." He should be begging for forgiveness, and yet he's doubling down - even though he knows he's wrong.
The mom-in-law might be a problem.
You'd like to think that OP's husband had a confidant who could talk him down from the edge, but it seems like all his parents did - particularly his mom - was fan the flames and egg him on.
"I would put a condition on your custody that she is not allowed anywhere near your child," wrote one person. "If she was so willing to talk so badly about you before she had the facts, imagine what she will say to your child"
Why would anyone choose to die on this hill?
Disputes and disagreements happen all the time. Sometimes, one party is clearly in the wrong, and sometimes the truth is a little more nuanced. In this case, though, OP's hubby has literally been scientifically proven to be in the wrong.
Why is he continuing on this path, why is his mom getting so involved (and backing him up the whole time), and why is OP even tolerating this? It almost feels like he wants a divorce and is intentionally self-sabotaging.
The verdict is in - but there's more!
Honestly, it's a bit anticlimactic as it's impossible to imagine even the most contrarian person on the planet siding with OP's husband. Still, it's nice to have some results, and those results resoundingly say that OP was not the jerk in this scenario.
Some disputes don't have a villain or a jerk at all, but in this case, everyone in the thread, and me, and probably you as well, can agree that OP's husband needs to grow up.
Let's take a moment to mull over the possibilities.
At this point, we know a few things: OP did not cheat on her husband. The baby is genetically theirs. Her husband is an emotional infant who seemingly saw nothing wrong with leaving his wife and newborn baby for weeks on end.
Where could this go from here? Couples are able to weather some significant storms - is this simply a situation where they can patch things up, perhaps with therapy? The alternative is divorce, which is obviously a drastic step.
OP mulled over the whole situation for two months.
Then, in a follow-up post in which she thanked everyone for their helpful advice, she got down to brass tacks: she searched for, and found, a divorce lawyer. It's the result everyone on Reddit wanted, but it still would have been incredibly difficult for her.
"During this time, my ex was not contacting me at all, but I did reach out to see if he was okay," wrote OP, showing more compassion for him than he ever did for her.
Everybody liked that.
Shifting the focus from OP's struggles with her infantile husband, let's take a poll of what the spectators on Reddit thought of this move. To no one's surprise, the divorce decision was met with universal praise.
"At least you don't have to spend any more time married to this menace of a man," wrote one commenter. "You have your baby, your sister, and your house. You're in a strong position." It's hard not to have sympathy for OP, but at least she made the right call.
He got served.
He must not have expected this, because it seemed to flip a switch. He immediately came back to the house and did everything he could to convince OP not to divorce him. He expressed his love for her, and suggested couple's therapy.
Then came a bombshell revelation - one that you may have been expecting on some level, given the overall context and hubby's suspicions throughout the entire ordeal. If OP wasn't already convinced that divorce was the best option, this one removed all doubt.
Remember that projection talk?
On some level, it might seem unfair to assume that OP's husband was cheating on her just because he levelled that accusation at her. There's no evidence to support it at this point (not that there was ever any evidence supporting his accusation).
Still, it's worth at least considering the possibility. It's also a good reminder that dark secrets, or skeletons in closets, tend to not remain secrets forever - and that's exactly what wound up happening in this situation.
Yeah, he cheated on her.
He didn't even directly acknowledge it until pressured - it started out with an admission that he "got caught up with" a coworker when he initially left his wife and baby. OP decided to pin him down and ask what that meant.
"He admitted to going to her for emotional support before our baby was born since he was nervous about being a dad, and eventually slept with her during the time he left, so you guys were right about him cheating," wrote OP.
Somehow, her husband looks even worse now.
I didn't think it was possible for this guy to look like any more of a jerk. He accused his wife of infidelity, abandoned her, abandoned their newborn, got his mom to fight his battles, and refused to apologize.
All of this could be grounds for divorce just on its own, but then came the revelation that he'd actually been the one doing the cheating. It's difficult to overstate how badly he acted, or how significantly he misplayed his hand.
OP was over it at this point.
She was already going to go through with divorce, and that was before she knew that her husband - her husband who accused her of cheating - had actually been the unfaithful one, all while he'd abandoned his wife and newborn.
"My ex just nodded to what I was saying, and asked if he could see her daughter," OP wrote. While she was hesitant, she did allow him to hold their daughter, and then he left without further incident.
Of course his mom re-entered the fray.
OP's dear mother-in-law tried to call her, but since she was blocked, she called OP's sister instead. She said that OP was going to be "on the streets" after the divorce was finalized, because it was her understanding that her son owned their shared house.
"I guess my mother-in-law was never told that I own the house," OP wrote. "Well, she certainly knows that now, since my ex is now living with her and moved out of our shared house."
OP needs to be cautious.
OP has handled this whole thing so well, and with such maturity - especially in comparison to her (ex) husband and his mom. But commenters have cautioned her that this stuff will likely continue, even after the divorce.
Like it or not, this baby's parents will be joined together by their shared child. It's good to keep things amicable, but when one side of the equation is willing to fight dirty, it's important not to let one's guard down.
Things are awkward, but okay.
For an outside observer, there's a certain satisfaction in seeing this cheating jerk get what he deserves, but it's hard not to see the heartbreak and difficulties that this has brought up for OP (and her ex, for whatever that's worth).
"My ex has seen our daughter a few times, those visits were awkward to say the least, but I managed," wrote OP before signing off. She hasn't offered any further updates, and we wish her and her daughter all the best.
Let's hope for the best in the long run.
It's hard not to spitefully wish for the worst for OP's ex and his mom, but let's not forget that the worse things are for them, the harder they'll likely be for OP and her baby.
We don't need to wish for the best for these parties, but we can at least hope that it's relatively smooth sailing going forward for this fractured family unit. We can at least rest assured that the baby's mom has a good head on her shoulders.
There are some lessons here.
Where to even begin with this one? The obvious lessons are to not cheat, not be a baby, not to abandon your newborn baby, and not to get your mom to play enforcer and run interference. Am I missing anything here?
Maybe the more subtle lesson here is to trust your partner. If you suspect they're cheating, but they insist they're not, and there's no evidence that they are...then they're probably not cheating. Hopefully we can all learn a few things from this one.